Running on Empty

One of the hardest things for me as a new parent is the complete loss of my reserve resources of energy and rest.

This, please!

Last night Del was awake more than usual, and when he was sleeping, was noisy with the grunting sounds he makes when he’s gassy. I didn’t sleep much and what sleep I got was light and riddled with interrupted dreams. Around 7 he awoke again after being back in his crib for less than an hour and he was fussy with gas pains (and as it turned out, a rather huge poop on its way out). Instead of bringing him back to bed, I just got up. I was tired of trying to get any sleep. I was frustrated, cranky and to be honest, my mothering at that moment was pretty shabby. Del nursed fitfully – whether because he was barely awake or because he was picking up on my resistance I don’t know. When I got thrown up on, I lost it. Crying, I woke Zach and unceremoniously passed Del off to him so I could go wash the splatter of baby vomit off my shoulder, back, hip, butt and leg. And change underwear. And take a slow, deep breath. My unhappy little baby didn’t know why I’d deposited him on the bed, and my sleepy husband didn’t know why I was mad. I didn’t really know either, I only know I wanted to be unconscious instead of wiping myself down with a washcloth in a cold bathroom at 7:15 on a Saturday morning.

It’s like that when you’ve got no cushion to fall back on after a wakeful night. There’s no extra rest in your system to draw on when you need to be comforting to your baby or kind to your husband. And you act like a jerk. Just because you didn’t sleep good last night.

A bottle for breastfeeders

I’ve delayed letting Del try a bottle until now, even though it meant missing seeing Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, in order to give us advantage in breastfeeding.

Not that we have had any problems – the kid is a natural. Before he was an hour old he was happily nursing at my breast – an accomplishment which I know went a long way to soothing my sadness over our lost homebirth. Del nursed happily on demand and still does. The only “complaint” we have is that he eats so fast he gives himself gas and gets overfull, leading to some  uncomfortable burping and spitting up that is his personal 9 on the 1-to-10 scale of how-bad-is-it.

As easy as breastfeeding has been for us, I’ve still guarded it pretty closely, waiting more than six weeks to pump and experiment with the bottle. And in order to prevent any risk of nipple confusion or preference for the ease of eating from a bottle, I researched nipples and was very happy to find Medela’s Calma nipple. (Doesn’t it sound like an like an IKEA name? Calma.) The ingenious work of Medela, makers of all things breastfeeding-supportive, the Calma nipple is designed to require that baby create suction before any milk will flow. Normal nipples will release milk with only a squeeze of baby’s lips, but the Calma actually has a valve that requires baby to suck before milk will flow, and if baby pauses, milk will stop (mimicking the behavior of baby and the natural action of the breast). It was on the pricy side – $26 for one nipple with bottle from Amazon, but to me, as an investment in a healthy year or more of nursing, it’s worth it.

So we tried it with Del. I pumped while he slept and when he woke, and was a little bit hungry but not wildly so, I gave him the bottle. He seemed curious about the new texture and shape in his mouth – not mom, and not his paci, but gave it a tentative suck. I encouraged him using the same tone and words I use to praise him at the breast and he kept up sucking it, and soon was getting milk out. When he seemed happy with the situation, I passed him to Zach, and Dad got to feed him the rest of the bottle. He drank up the whole 3 ounces.  I will admit I had really mixed emotions while he was using his bottle – happy that he took it with no resistance, pleased to see him getting some precious time with Zach, and also a little worried that he was somehow getting gypped out of the sweet, warm bonding that is nursing (and that I was too!). And maybe a little shock that he’s already big enough for this.

So, while I was overall glad that first bottle attempt was a success, I was also glad when he was hungry again a couple of hours later, and snuggled up to my boob and sucked away contentedly.

 

Sleeping

Sweet dreams, my little prince.

 

My cutie!

Beginning to smile!

We play in bed in the mornings after second breakfast.

Diapers

Ten days in to cloth diapering and I am sold. This is definitely a good choice for us.

Last Saturday Del and I were home alone for the day, and, in addition to declaring it “Stay in Bed Saturday” (armed with iPad, phone, Kindle, diapers and wipes handy, and baby, we camped in bed nearly all day!) I also set that day aside for Cloth Diapering Kickoff.

I had the diapers washed, so they were ready to be assembled Saturday morning.

Rhythm

Babies are so responsive to rhythm. Del loves it. Whether it’s mama swaying as he rests on my shoulder, or daddy bouncing him up and down, or the motion and quiet clicking of his swing, where he is sleeping away peacefully at the moment. The rhythms of a heartbeat which he hears when asleep on my chest or Zach’s, or which is mimicked by the sweet little “Sleep Sheep” that plays white noises when he naps. The rhythm of sucking at my breast.

Thankfully, his morning nap has given me time to get a load of laundry started, place an order for a late Christmas gift for my Grammy, and make myself a decent breakfast (is it still breakfast if it’s after 11 before I get to it?). And just maybe time enough to write a blog post – or at least get one started.

Happy first month, Del Giacomo!

What ? Can it really be a month already?

Del weighs 9 1/2 lbs now! And he’s losing his baby hair. And he is starting, maybe, to smile, or at least to approximate it enough to make my heart soar every time I see it. He is an expert snuggler. He loves his swing, and car rides, and walks in his stroller. He also loves being carried in a sling where he’s snuggled close to me. “Loves” at this point in his wee life translates to “falls into blissful slumber”. And most mornings, we lounge in bed like two slackers after his first daylight feeding, jabbering mother-baby nonsense at each other, and I kiss his toes and fat baby cheeks, and stroke his hair and squeeze his little toes.

He also has some wicked reflux – or possibly it’s a sensitivity to dairy in my diet – that causes him pain and sleepless nights. Reflux is something I never even knew happened to babies, and it’s pretty terrible (though I know on the scale of problems babies can have, this is relatively minor). Basically, his stomach acid is burning his esophagus and often I think, leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He has the classic symptoms of grunting, arching his back and neck, and crying suddenly as if in pain. He has trouble burping and spitting up. It’s worse in the evenings.  Some days are fine and some are bad days. The best remedies we’ve encountered so far are more upright nursing positions, diligent burping after feeding, and Gripe Water when his symptoms overwhelm him. All three help immensely.

I’m so grateful  that I’m in this with Zach – he’s a great dad and is really good at knowing when I need to take a break and have some time to myself. And he loves me in spite of seeing me so tired, in tears, with greasy hair and smelly armpits and spit up dried to my shoulder and breastmilk leaking into my bra. The guy deserves a medal for how calmly he runs me a bath, takes the baby, gets some dinner on, and/or other “saves the day” kinds of behavior. Sometimes in those morning moments of falling in love with Del, I am reminded how similarly I fell in love with Zach – lounging in bed, talking endlessly, kissing and squeezing and all the drinking in of everything the senses can offer of this person to whom you are bonding. That sense in your gut that this person is meant to be connected to you. I am completely in love with my family.